Email to be banned in UK after Brexit: EXCLUSIVE REPORT

Email is likely to be banned as a method of communication in the UK once Brexit is completed. A highly secret report from Government psychologists has been handed to me showing the significant and severe effects that email has on the human brain. Indeed, the psychologists believe that the massive confusion in the British Government around Brexit has been caused by the politicians being besieged by emails from their constituents. One of the researchers told me that the MPs’ brains are essentially being “slowly cooked” by the sheer volume of email they are facing and that this is behind their inability to make a decision.

According to the research I have exclusively seen, large volumes of email cause a neurological effect in the front of the brain, just above the eyes. This is known as “Adverse Prefrontal Retrograde Information Lag” (APRIL). What happens is that information that would normally be sent from the prefrontal cortex is being held up in the brains of people who use email a great deal. This leads to poor decision making, the inability to express emotions and interference in memory. The researchers believe that the psychological effects of email are what lays behind low productivity levels as well as the increase in crime, accident rates, and poverty which have happened in the past decade.

The link is so severe that a special committee has been set up to handle the banning of email, expected before the end of the year. That committee is the “Financial Officials Overseeing Limitations” (FOOL), and it will be meeting this morning in a secret Whitehall office to finalise its meaningful plans which it will provide to the Prime Minister as a backstop to communications problems it foresees in the future.

The psychologists have told me that the information could not have come at a worse time for British business already under pressure because of Brexit. When that is resolved companies will need to face this further, perhaps more serious issue, the banning of emails.

However, there is one glimmer of hope arising from this ban. It will mean that the “Adverse Prefrontal Retrograde Information Lag” seen in many workers will disappear. That will lead to greater efficiency, higher productivity, more creativity and fewer accidents at work. According to one member of the “Financial Officials Overseeing Limitations” this ban on emails could well be the solution to Brexit because of the massive positive effects it will have on the workplace.

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